Just a Touch Away
by eponine23
Summary: Remus and Tonks' experiences before, during and after the battle of Hogwarts.


Tonks looked at Remus, fighting back the tears that were stinging her eyes. She could not comprehend how he didn't seem to feel the heartrending pain that she felt. _Why does he always have to be so noble?_ Tonks shook her head and sighed, and with that release of air, she felt the tears wobble and come dangerously close to falling. Catching them just in time, she regained her unsteady composure. _I've told him a million times,_ thought Tonks miserably, _I've told him a MILLION TIMES that when the time comes for us–all of us–to stand against Voldemort one last time, that we'd do it together: side by side._

"Dora?" asked Remus, his voice gentle, almost hesitant. "Are you listening to me, dear?"

Noticing her husband's voice for the first time in several long minutes, Tonks snapped out of her painful reverie. She looked into his brown eyes, trying to, through her sapphire ones, convey to him all her worry, pain, fear, and love for him. "I'm listening, Remus."

"Good," said Remus, his voice as taut and firm as the top of a drum. "Dora, I'm sorry you can't come. I know this has been what you've waited for–trained for–your entire life, but the thing is that I just couldn't concentrate if there was even the slightest possibility of your life being in danger."

"I can do enough concentrating for the both of us, I think," snapped Tonks.

"But what if you're so busy looking out for me that you forget to look where you're going? You'd trip, knowing you." Remus grinned at her.

"I wouldn't trip. I'd be extra careful." Tonks gave him a defiant glare.

"And what about Teddy?" asked Remus, his confident posture showing that he felt he had her backed into a corner, one from which she could not escape.

"Already thought of that. You can't weasel out of this one, Remus," Tonks said with a broad grin. "He'll stay with my mum."

"When will you take him?" Remus asked casually.

"What do you mean 'when will _you_ take him'?" Tonks snarled. "_I_ won't take him, _we_ will, because I _know_ the second I leave, you'll be off to Hogwarts _without me_"

Remus shook his head; sometimes his wife understood him too well. Perhaps that was part of why he had married her: they understood each other on a level no one else did. They had a lot in common; sometimes a lot felt like it included their minds. "_Neither_ of us will take him, Dora. You will stay here with him. I will leave alone," Remus announced with a note of finality that made Tonks' heart lurch painfully.

"But _why_, Remus, _why_?" Tonks asked, her voice and eyes filled with such pleading and longing that it was Remus' heart's turn to lurch painfully.

Remus started to clear his throat, though it felt as though his heart would come out if he did. "You don't get it," he whispered sadly, his brown eyes filled with pain and the glimmer of what may have been the beginning of tears. "I don't want to lose you. If _I_ were to die, I wouldn't mind. _I'm_ old: _I've_ lived my life. But _you_…_ you're_ still so young…I couldn't live with myself if…"

"If you lived and I died?" Tonks asked, cutting off her husband's sentence with a wry grin. "In case you didn't know, I don't want to lose you either! Besides, I'm not as young as you think! I've grown up a lot faster than most. I can handle it. I can handle anything. You didn't think I could handle living with a werewolf, and yet, here we are ten months later."

"I was wrong about you not handling living with a werewolf–so far. I could be proved right in the very near future," Remus said with a shudder as he saw, in his mind's eye, a very vivid image of Tonks, his beautiful girl, broken and bleeding beneath him as he lunged to rip out her throat. To steady himself, he pressed his lips to her cool, pale neck. The contact soothed him and he regained control of his thoughts. He removed his lips from her throat and looked into her dark eyes. "I _know_ you've grown up fast. Not many twenty four year-old women could manage a fourteen-year age gap, darling. Yet _you_ can. You understand me better than anyone I've ever known–Sirius, James, anyone–and you're so mature. You can take a lot of pressure, but tonight, I just want you out of harm's way."

"Don't you at least think I should get one more chance at my dear Auntie Bella?" Tonks asked sweetly, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

Remus chuckled at the nickname. It was so like Tonks to make light of a situation as serious as this. "You're so brave, Dora. It amazes me how you can be so fierce and brave after everything you've been through." Her gazed at her in rapt adoration, removed a gentle hand from her waist, and took one of hers in it.

"Don't touch me!" Tonks snapped, pulling from his embrace and hand. For some reason, a mysterious gap had been wedged between them, growing larger as their argument grew more heated. The instant she pulled away, she regretted it. The hurt in Remus' eyes was too much to bear and she had to look away.

"How could I _ever_ be ashamed of you, dearest?" Remus asked incredulously, wondering where her sudden emotional outburst came from. "You're the most amazing woman I've ever met! You have an excellent sense of humor–some of the time, anyway–and you're so brave and loyal. I wish I could be more like you; whenever I'm with you, it feels like some of your confidence rubs off on me; I relish every instant that I spend with you." Remus had surprised even himself with these words. He had never revealed those feelings to anyone before, yet Tonks seemed to realise that he truly meant every word he had just spoken.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you. Everything just seems…strange tonight," Tonks whispered. She moved closer to Remus, who gladly welcomed her back into his arms.

"It's fine," Remus remarked. "I've felt it, too." He hugged her tighter that moment; her apology meant so much more to him than any he had heard before. Perhaps because it felt almost like it may be the last he received in this life.

"Why can't I come with you? That would solve all these problems: we'd have more time to talk while everyone's getting ready and we could spend more time together," Tonks said, a note of desperation in her voice that had not been there earlier. "Or you could just stay here, if you're so determined to have me out of harm's way."

Remus fixed his eyes on a spot on the wall about a foot above the top of his wife's head. He took a deep breath and began to speak, though his words sounded as though they had been rehearsed, as though he had been expecting this day to come for a long time, "You need to be here for Teddy. A child needs his mother; I learned that the hard way. You deserve to be there for him; to watch his life, to be a part of it—"

"Oh, and you _don't_?" Tonks interrupted him angrily.

Remus ignored her and continued, "I also need to defend Harry. He's James's son and I feel…obligated."

The hurt and disbelief in Tonks' eyes sent a jolt through Remus as he made the dangerous decision to look into them again. "What about _me_, then? Don't _I_ matter? Why won't you let _me_ have a say in this? Don't you love me?"

Remus sighed, but that was Tonks: always jumping to irrational conclusions based on emotions rather than logic. "I never said anything like that, Dora. Why don't you just let me go with my better judgment for once? Please listen to me."

Tonks gave a defiant glance and rolled her eyes at the ceiling. And he thought _she_ was stubborn. "Oh, all right: I'll listen, but that doesn't mean I'll like—or comply with—what I hear."

"As long as you're listening," Remus agreed, knowing fully well that that was as much as Tonks was going to give him, whether he asked or not. "Raising Teddy is your right—"

"It's yours as well!" Tonks said pointedly. Seeing the look on his face, she added, "Oh, yeah. Listening, sorry. Go on."

Remus cleared his throat of the lump that had grown there during his wife's interruption. "Raising Teddy is your right: you _need_ to be there. No, let me start over with this: there is a possibility that, if you come, you could die."

"No, way, really?" muttered Tonks, rolling her eyes. "I would never have guessed that a battle could _ever_ be potentially fatal."

"I'm just stating the facts, love," Remus remarked gently. "Since that seems all you're capable of understanding right now."

"Hey!" Tonks shouted. "You _know_ that's not true!"

"Yes, but it got your attention, and you aren't likely to let it slip if you think there's a possibility I'll make a snide comment about your intelligence or lack thereof. It's a trick I've learned in dealing with you," Remus remarked casually.

"Yes, because I always enjoy slapping you," she muttered darkly, glaring at him.

Remus flinched involuntarily. Every time she brought that up, he remembered the pain of the last time she had done so: when he had returned to her after Harry had chased him away. It had hurt: his entire left cheek had stung for several days. "No hitting," he told her, "just listening. Deal?"

Tonks looked at him for a moment. "No more snide comments?" He nodded. "Deal," she agreed wearily.

"Teddy needs you, Dora. I want you—need you—to be there for him: to see his excitement when he gets his letter; to see him off on his first day at school; to see his _life_, Dora." Remus took a deep breath. "I don't want you to throw your life away just to be with me."

"In case you haven't noticed, I've _already_ thrown my life away for you, according to you at least. But the thing is that I don't _need_ a reputation, my mother's respect, or _perfect safety_ to be happy: _you're_ what I need to be happy," Tonks snapped angrily, her dark eyes flashing. "Please, just let me come. It's only for one night. That's what we joined the Order for: to fight V—oh, yeah, You-Know-Who…this stupid Taboo on his name is going to get me one of these days—I'm not going to give up three years of my life—more if you count Auror training—just to spend the night here like some _housewife_ when I could be out there with _you_ and every other member of the Order—Molly Weasley included…see: she's a housewife, and I'm willing to bet every galleon in Gringotts that she'll be there—fighting Vo—You-Know-Who. Won't you ever learn that—why haven't you interrupted me yet?"

"I've learned that you hit hard. Go on."

"Won't you ever learn that I don't _want_ to be protected? I don't want you to put me on some pedestal. I want you to treat me like an equal. I want you to treat me like…like I'm Sirius. Would you tell Sirius to stay behind?"

Remus smiled. "You aren't Sirius, Dora."

"But if I was?" Tonks asked.

"Then I would wonder why I was holding him in my arms and thinking him to be the most wonderful—stubborn, but wonderful—and beautiful person in the world," Remus muttered. "It's as simple as that. Dora, I want you safe. A lot of people are going to die tonight and I don't want you to be one of them. If you stay here, you won't be."

"I could fall down the stairs and break my neck," Tonks suggested. She gestured her head toward the staircase.

"I wouldn't put it past you," agreed Remus with a smile, "but it's a lot less likely than you being killed at this battle."

"Wouldn't you want me with you, you know, if you died?" Tonks asked so quietly that Remus could barely hear her or feel her breath against his neck.

As much as his heart wanted to scream "YES," his conscience wouldn't allow him to. He was a Gryffindor for goodness' sake. "No," he stated simply. Seeing the hurt on her pale face and in her beautiful, sapphire eyes, he continued, "Not if it meant that you would die—or be in danger of dying—too."

"Wouldn't you miss me?" Tonks asked, widening her eyes to give him an innocent look.

Remus had to look away, had to look anywhere except her beautiful, hurt eyes. "Yes. I would miss you. But–" Tonks inhaled sharply, though she had been expecting him to add a 'but'. "–I just don't want you dead, okay? Everyone I've ever loved has ended up dying young. It's almost as if I'm cursed or something. By giving you my love, I've given you my curse. You're the last person I want to lose, because you're the one I love the most. You're the one I've chosen to spend the rest of my life with. I wish we could spend longer than that together. I don't know enough about death to say for sure, but I'm positive we can. If I die tonight, I'll wait for you. I promise."

Tonks sighed and looked straight into his eyes. "Upon your life?"

Remus chuckled. "You know that has almost no effect whatsoever. I can't promise to wait for you after death _'_ _upon my life'_."

Tonks joined him in laughing. "All right, then. Swear upon _Teddy's_ life."

"I, Remus John Lupin, swear upon the life of my son, Teddy Remus Lupin, that I will wait for you, Nymphadora Tonks Lupin, my beautiful, brave, clever–"

"Get on with it," Tonks interrupted.

"My beautiful, brave, clever wife if I die before you," Remus finished quickly.

Tonks beamed at him. "Now that we've got _that_ cleared up, we'd better get around to saying our goodbyes. It's getting late." 

Remus could not tear his eyes from her face to look at the grandfather clock behind him, so he decided to trust her. "All right then," he agreed. His brown eyes gazed into her blue ones, and through his gaze, he tried to send all his love, respect, and adoration for her. He took a deep, steadying breath and announced, ""I love you. I always have and always will."

"I love you, too," agreed Tonks. She stood on tiptoe and kissed Remus gently on the lips. She meant for the kiss to be short, but Remus gripped her tighter and pulled her closer to him and it lasted until the broke away, trying to catch their breath.

They looked at each other for a long moment, their unspoken conversation contained more than any of their spoken ones. "I should go," Remus announced. He kissed his wife's forehead. "We'll see each other again someday, my love, even if someday is after both of us are dead."

"Adieu," said Tonks, her voice light and playful. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Remus said, his brown eyes drinking in as much of her face as they could. "Goodbye, Dora." With that final statement, he released her, stepped backward, and Disapparated with a loud crack. 

From the moment he left, Tonks' head started to spin in desperation. Shaking her pink head to clear her mind, she scrambled clumsily to the fireplace. She picked up the pot of Floo Powder, spilling most of it, but managing to throw a handful into the fire. She shouted into the green flames. "Mum! I need you! Get over here fast!"

Andromeda Tonks staggered out of the swirling emerald flames moments later, wrapping a cloak around her shoulders. "What do you want, Nymphadora?"

Tonks winced slightly at the use of her first name, but for the most part, ignored it. She was in too much of a hurry to be very annoyed. "Watch after Teddy. I'll be back later. Goodbye!"

"Nymphadora? What's going on? Wait!" Andromeda cried.

"Don't call me Nymphadora, mum," Tonks snarled. "Please take good care of Teddy; I won't be long—or maybe I will…don't know how long this battle's going to last. I've got to do this, it's what I've trained for my whole life, I can't just give it up now because I have Teddy. In fact, because I have him, I need to fight even harder, so his future will be much safer, happier, and brighter than it would be. I hope you understand."

"Does Remus know?" asked Andromeda.

"No," admitted Tonks, looking down at the ground and nudging the carpet absentmindedly with the toe of her sneaker. "He didn't want me to come. Said it'd be too dangerous."

"He did have a point. As much as I hate to admit it, that man really is concerned about your safety, though a battle's hardly more dangerous than spending the night in the same room as a werewolf—asleep no less." Andromeda clicked her tongue in disgust.

"He told you about that, then?" Tonks asked glumly. It was true; she had spent the full moon at her husband's side, despite the lycanthropy. If it wasn't for the pain the transformations caused him, she might have actually found the nights to be some of the best of her life. The lycanthropy made him restless, so that he couldn't sleep. Although slightly ominous, Tonks found it comforting and rather sweet that he was watching over her.

"I think you're too much of a risk taker, Nymphadora. You're so like Sirius," Andromeda said. She looked concernedly at her daughter when she saw this caused a gleam of what looked like triumph in her twinkling eyes.

"I'll see you tomorrow, mum!" Tonks chirped cheerfully. "Goodbye!" She Disapparated without another word.

Tonks stumbled into a table, causing one of the wooden chairs stacked on top of it to topple to the floor with a loud crash. She walked carefully to the other side of the table to examine the damage. It wasn't too bad so she heaved the heavy oak chair back onto the table. "Ouch!" Tonks cried out in pain. She had gotten a sliver from the chair. She tried to pick it out, but her fingers were not skilled enough and her few clumsy attempts were interrupted by a grandmotherly woman.

"Hello," said the woman. "I'm Augusta Longbottom. Do you need help with that?"

Tonks gave her a look that quite plainly said "what do you think," but her face softened as she saw that Augusta meant well. Tonks carefully extended her inflamed finger and Augusta quickly healed it. "Thank you," said Tonks. "I'm Nymphadora Lupin. You can call me Tonks."

The two walked in silence along the tunnel that led out of the Hog's Head pub. As they walked along, Tonks' eyes strayed over the grim-looking stones of the tunnel. With a little imagination, she could imagine chains, torches, and screaming prisoners, sending another painful reminder of her mission through her. Every beat of her heart seemed like pure torment; the agony of it caused her to grimace.

A very familiar voice spoke to her, yanking her from the reverie, and Tonks, grateful, listened. "Hello, Tonks!"

"Wotcher, Ginny," Tonks mumbled, trying to convey her gratitude for the interruption of her grim thoughts.

Ginny gave her an inquisitive look, obviously confused by the warmth of Tonks' greeting. "Is something…wrong?"

Before Tonks could answer the question, the heavy door swung open and she, Ginny, and Augusta Longbottom exited the Room of Requirement into the hall where Harry was standing. _Where's Remus?_ Tonks wondered. Harry's mouth was moving, but Tonks could not hear the words he was saying. Guessing her best at what he was saying, Tonks started to speak, her expression pained, and unaware of what she was saying. As fast as she could, she finished speaking and sprinted off, skidding around corners and up staircases, searching desperately for Remus.

She found a window and gazed out of it. Reaching up a small hand, she tried to put it on the glass to steady herself; the room was spinning. However, she found that she could not put a hand on the smooth, cool glass, for the windowpane was broken. With every broken breath, it felt like an anaconda was tightening itself around her chest, gradually making it more impossible to breathe.

After several long, heart wrenchingly painful moments, she was aware of a presence beside her. Through her clouded vision, she could barely make out the details of long red hair, and a freckled face filled with concern. "Tonks? Tonks, are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Ginny," Tonks lied, speaking before she could even think straight; trying to give Ginny the answer that she felt Ginny would want.

"I'm sure Remus is okay," said Ginny. "He taught me, you know. Defense Against the Dark Arts. Second year. He really knew his stuff; he'll survive."

Tonks gave her friend a weak, forced smile. It warmed her heart that this girl could be so brave, then a thought occurred to her: Ginny understood her pain perfectly. Her love for Harry was surely enough to cause the same worry that Tonks felt for Remus. She grinned at Ginny again, and this time, it wasn't forced.

Ginny gave her a brief smile and shot a jinx through the broken window.

Movement in her peripheral vision caused Tonks to turn her head. Harry and Aberforth were standing in the corridor. Aberforth! He could help her; surely, _he_ had seen Remus. She cried out to him, asking about her husband.

Head spinning with a mixture of fear and excitement, Tonks only caught every other word: "Remus," "Duelling," and "Dolohov."

Without another word, she sped off, heart pumping in elation and fear filling the pit of her stomach. _Dolohov_. She had fought him before, and he was _tough_. Tonks' breathing started to restrict and she felt lightheaded as she sped out into the night.

Then she saw him. Dolohov. He wasn't far away, and he was fighting with someone, but not for long. The instant she saw the Death Eater fighting her husband, a flash of green struck the man she loved right in the chest. Tonks felt as though the curse had hit her as well as Remus. Surely, the pain she felt now was worse than death. Right now, she knew without a doubt, she would welcome its cold embrace, and the only thing keeping her alive—and wanting to remain so—at this moment was the need to protect and raise Teddy—Remus' wish.

As Dolohov left the body triumphantly, Tonks sprang towards it, tripping and landing on the rough ground. She felt the palms of her hands open and the blood sting as it trickled down the sensitive skin. Her thoughts were only for Remus. Paying no mind to the pain of her physical body, she dragged herself to his side. Remus' russet eyes were open and glazed, so different from the way they had looked in life and Tonks could not bear to see them so empty, so hollow, so…_lifeless_.

A small bit of white poking out of one of his pockets caught her eye and she gently pulled a small stack of photographs from it. The scenes in the increasingly battered photographs brought tears to her eyes. She sniffed and started to sift through them. First was a picture of Teddy, taken only that morning. _Back when Remus was still_…Tonks tried not to think about it. The next photograph in the stack was from their wedding day. Remus had a hand in her curly blonde hair as they kissed. Euphoria seemed to ooze from the photo and she slammed it to the bottom of the stack, trying not to think about how things could have been different. The second to last picture was obviously one of his favorites. The edges framing the scene of her and Remus clinging to each other and laughing in what remained of their wedding cake after she had crashed into it were ragged. The final picture was the most battered of all, but that was hardly surprising to Tonks as it was the oldest of them all: her, Remus and Sirius. Mad-Eye Moody had taken it at an Order meeting back when the three of them had still been alive. Now Tonks was the only surviving member of those involved with the photograph and she found the thought just plain disturbing. Unable to look at them anymore, she gently tucked the photos back in her husband's pocket.

After putting the pictures away, she wiped the tears from her eyes and looked up at the dark sky above her. The tiny pinpricks of light winked merrily–cruelly: mocking her pain–down at her. As she gazed at the stars above her, a new thought occurred to her and it was not entirely unpleasant. At that very moment, somewhere up there–in a better place than the one she was in, no doubt–Remus was watching over her. At that realisation, her heart gave a painful throb; Tonks was absolutely, irrevocably sure that her husband missed her as much as she missed him.

"Enjoying the view, Nymphy?"

Tonks looked up to find the source of the voice: Bellatrix. She stood and brushed the dirt and blood from her hands, drawing her wand. "I've waited long for this moment, Auntie Bella," announced Tonks, ignoring the spiteful question.

"So have I. Who would have ever thought that I would duel my little niece Nymphy over the body of her werewolf mate?" Bellatrix asked.

Tonks tried to ignore the goading: she knew that if she gave in, Bellatrix would have already won, but the loss of Remus was still an open wound, and her aunt had poured the salt into it, so she retorted, "You mean my husband? By the way, I really hate it when you call me Nymphy. So I will call you Trixie." In that instant, she felt as far from Remus as she had since he had left her almost two years ago, knowing that he would not be there to help her fight this battle, like she had always imagined he would.

Bellatrix gave a mad grin. "You see, Nymphy, as stupid as it may be, the name Trixie will not distract me from taking your life. Ordinarily, I would make you suffer by letting you live, but you're a nuisance and I've waited long enough to kill you, so I won't let a little thing like that get in the way. _Avada Kedavra_!" she shrieked.

The blinding green life engulfed Tonks and she felt the life leave her body. Finally, death was embracing her. 

But it was a gentle embrace, like being in Remus' arms, having him comfort her when her father had died. It was warm, not cold. It was unlike any version of death she had ever dared imagine.

"Dora?" Remus' voice said in disbelief. "Dora!"

"Remus, what on earth is going on? I feel bloody _strange_." Tonks groaned, rubbing her eyes. As her vision came into focus, she saw his brown eyes gazing at her with such love that all the sadness, all the pain of the last few minutes dissolved beyond memory. "Where are we?"

"We're dead. This is the place brave people–people like us–who aren't afraid of death go," Remus explained gently. "By the way, I like your hair, though I admit it isn't quite your style."

"Wh-what d'you mean?" Tonks asked, still in shock at how much better death felt than her last moments alive.

"Come on, Dora, a bright blue _Mohawk_? It just somehow doesn't seem…_you_ somehow," Remus explained, laughing.

Tonks giggled and morphed her hair to her usual spiky, bubblegum pink. "Better?" she asked, ecstatic just to be in his arms again.

"You look great however, darling," he whispered, holding her tighter. "Why did you come?"

"I–I couldn't live without you. I've already tried once, and didn't want to again," Tonks admitted, shuddering at the memory of the worst year of her life.

Remus nodded, understanding perfectly, and _looking_ so perfect, so much younger than Tonks had ever seen him, except in photographs. "And what about Teddy?"

"He'll be fine. Mum and Harry will look after him. I don't think we'll ever need to worry. He'll know his parents–us–through people who loved us; people who love _him_," Tonks explained, believing her words more with each passing second, though the thought of never being able to see her son grow up hurt more than she ever could have imagined, even though her imagination was rather vivid. She had lost that forever, and it was a chance she had had to take, but she didn't want to admit to Remus that he'd been right. Not yet, at least.

"You're right, dear. You know what?" Remus asked, looking pensive.

"What?" asked Tonks, snuggling deeper into his warm arms.

"I love you. And you were right. I did miss you. To the point of pain, in fact," Remus admitted, looking miserable at the memory. He leaned down and kissed her.

After several blissful moments, they broke away. "Come on," Tonks chirped brightly. "I'm dying to meet James and Lily, and I'm sure they're dying to meet me. I also want to see Sirius again." 

"And what about your dad?"

"I want to see him again, too, even though he'll be insanely jealous of us being together and all," agreed Tonks.

Remus took her hand in his and stroked it gently. "Let's go."

"All right," said Tonks, the mischievous glint that Remus loved so much sparkled in her dark blue eyes. "I'll race you. The last one there looks like a Hungarian Horntail."

Without another word, she took off running. Remus chased after her—partly pulled along by the small, soft hand he held in his—and together, they raced, laughing, across the world of the dead, happy to be reunited forever at last. 


End file.
